Making Sweet Love to Forest Whitaker

Sweet, sweet high calorie, low exercise, lazy-eyed, droopy-lidded rose petal-covered Whitaker loving. Apparently its so good that his first ever baby mamma still wants him back. Where else but in The News of The world:

his ex-girlfriend is still MADLY IN LOVE with the overweight actor and PRAYS he’ll leave his wife and go back to her one day.

Besotted Monique Miller, speaking for the first time about their turbulent 20-year relationship, said: “I idolised him and I still do.

“I long for us to be a proper family even though he is married and has children with another woman.

“Tonight when I watch Forest on TV at the Oscars it will be with an overwhelming sense of pride, but also great sadness as I think of the gaping hole in our lives.”

Ahhh yes theres nothing like an overweight actor doing well to bring the whole ‘gaping hole of your lives’ aspect to the fore. How do you think James Gandolfini does so well with the honeys … or John Travolta with the muscular young Scientologists. But enough about other famous fatties … Back to the star of the moment – the Last Fat Haggis Eating King of Scotland:

Monique, 43, revealed how the star:

# DROVE her wild with candlelit sex sessions in rose-scented baths.

# DRIFTED apart from her as he tasted more and more Tinseltown fame.

# BEDDED a string of other women.

# REFUSED to stand bail when she was locked up for trashing his flat after finding condoms on the floor.

First three points not so interesting … but condom findage always promises to deliver that extra babymomma trash bonus. And we are not disappointed:

She recalled: “One day I drove to see him at our old house and found condoms on the floor. Another woman had clearly just left our old bed and I went berserk.

“I tore up a load of paintings he had just bought and hacked up the bed. I was covered in feathers and maple syrup as Forest had been eating pancakes in bed.

“The police came and locked me up. Forest refused to pay my bail and I spent 24 hours in jail.”

Listen if Pancakeboy wont have you back – even covered in syrup – then it’s time to move on Monique. The Last King of IHOP has left the building.

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